Day 3

Joy looks,smells tastes,sounds and feels like ...

Joy looks like: sunshine, laughing children, a true smile that reaches the eyes.
People who are comfortable in their skin 

Joy  smells like:
Freshly baked items,
flowers,
freshly cut grass,
the air after a rain storm,
A clean man with his own scent,
sweat at times,
bleach when cleaning.

Joy tastes like:
Hot tea in the morning.
a kiss from one you love. good food that's good for you.

Joy sounds like:
Laughter
Whispered words of encouragement or tenderness.
Rain on the roof
A family playing together

Joy feels like:
A soft cuddly blanket
A stuffed animal to sleep with when alone.
His arms around me
A clean house.
Praise for doing well.
Overwhelming  at times.

Day 1

If I made myself a priority in my life what would my days look like?

This is the first question I will answer on a journey of self exploration with the result being that I am able to focus my energies towards positive things in my life not dwelling on the negituve.

So....
If I made myself a priority what would  my days look like?
They would not be spent tending to everyone else's needs before my own.

I would spend more time with friends who bring positive energy into my life.

My diabeties would always be at the forefront front of my thoughts and taken into consideration in most of not all decisions that I make.

I would know that I am doing the best I can with the skills I have, so if I was not doing something well I could learn the skills I needed.
So I guess my day would look a lot like-
Get up test my blood sugar
have tea or coffee.
eat some breakfast.
Find my focus for the day either by Sir helping me or me just thinking about what I need to work on that will make me happier.

Spend time on said task taking breaks when needed.

Chores: mine would be kept up

I would eat lunch, and dinner.

My thoughts might not go to my Dom first and last think but I am not sure this is true.
I would play music loud and not worry about it.

Did I make a mistake?

Today Sir told me that he has to do something with his boys tomorrow evening, during the time we had planned on being together, and I expressed my frustration at that and at feeling like I am a very marginal part of His life when he is such a huge part of mine.
I am not sure I should have expressed this frustration  but I just could not contain it. It was the final  push over a cliff that has been this week.
I am frustrated at the fact fact hat I am not supposed to be doing anything, my leg is feeling better, but my hip and back hurt when I am up to long because of the difference in my leg lenghths.
I had just found out that one of my favorite students from California died on Monday and then Sir tells me that he has this thing to do. I was overwhelmed, I think I am falling into a depressive funk and I am Not sure how to stop it.
I thought I needed to tell sir how I felt. I know this too will pass, I believe that I am important to Sir. I know that this lack of seeing him will pass. I do not think he is happy about not being able to see me any more than I am happy about not seeing Him. Hopefully He is reading my blog and will see how I am feeling and why.
I love Him as Submissive loves her Sir, which is different and in some ways deeper then as a woman loves her significant other.  He is a very important part of my world even as distant as He is. More by need then want I hope.
I can only hope that he is as committed to U/us as I am even through my frustration right now. WE CAN DO THIS.
No relationship is with out its frustrations and struggles.
I truly care about this Man, I believe he can be the Dominant I need and bring out the best in me.
With a bit of aprehension and confusion as to how W/we are.

May 30 2015

the last week was pretty good. I got some time with Sir on Monday, during which we were able to reconnect  both on an emotional level and a sexual one.
We talked about what got me in trouble last weekend  and I have not been freaked out about it since.
I find it intresting that I am able to let those things go when I am dealing with Sir. It is a nice feeling, not one I am used to actually.

The week flew by and I saw  Sir on Thursday evening when he dropped Tom off. We had dinner  and snuggled on the couch. I would have lived to have sex but he was tired and I completely understand that after working all day and then driving for 3 hours to get home.
I was good when he said he had to go and I kissed him goodbye after he tucked me into bed. I as always would have loved more  time with Him but this is what we have right now and I am going to deal with it.
I was sad and still confused  by the news that the room he rented does not allow overnight visitors. ...I must admit that th ere is a part of me that was like " if he does not want me to come spend a week with him he should just say so." However once thay thought formed I realized that if I was willing to believe that then we had bigger problems than time constraints. SO I am actively  choosing to believe that Sir has no reason to not be honest with me. I am learning to trust agaian, not always easy I have been hurt pretty deeply by people I trusted who did not tell me the truth about things. THEY are not the one I call Sir now though. He trusts me, he has never lied to me why would he start now?
Hushing all those questions takes a great amount of trust but I am doing it and that makes me feel good.
Last night I got my foot caught in my bedspread when I was getting up and I fell, spraining my ankle and maybe doing some tendon damage  in my foot.  Sir  sort of kept up with what was going on  and did check on me a Few times.
Today was weird though I did not even get a good morning text which seemed strange. I have heard from Him a little since then, he is busy doing a birthday thing with his daughter, and I understand I just could use some extra snuggle time since I am restless and out of sorts. I will get a little bit tomorrow or at least I hope I will.
I am feeling very restless already and I am not supposed to be doing much this week.

It was bound to Happen

My first true correction, or show of displeasure from Sir since we started seeing each other about 2 months ago.
He told me i was to clingy and that He did not like it when I said "no" to him leaving.
Even when i say "no" I am fully aware that he is leaving, I never expect my protests to change anything.
so why do I make them? Why voice what he most likely already knows ?
So am I  sure he understands that I do not want to let him go just yet? Do I do it
To see if he will just give me that look and say my name ?

It JUST  occurred to me that he might not want to leave me yet either but knows he has to ...maybe I don't know.

I am not sure  but I do know that he will not hear how i feel about his leaving for a while.  I will be a good sub and just let go when he tells me he needs to go. I need to remember that he is not mine,  not even when he is with me. He does not love me so he really has little to lose in our break up,  if it were to happen and he said tonight that my actions on Friday make Him want to pull away from me.
So maybe  i need to close some of me away for a while. I -as normal -gave more of me than I should.
I am doing my best to accept his words that should calm  me  and just not freak out and not question the solidity of our relationship.
I however do not believe He is nearly as emotionally invested as I am. PART of the difference between a Dom and a Sub. SUBS GET MUCH MORE EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED MUCH FASTER THE MOST DOMS.
I am not sure how solid of a foundation I am currently standing on, this is a very distressing to me. I am one who needs to know I am solid, yet he told me i was okay  and he would see me on Monday. That should  and is helping me to only slip a little in the wave and not just go under.

All I can think about is how our D/s relationship affects so much of what we each do.
From interacting  with each other, to me asking for tasks,  to how we Interact  with others.
Sir is not the type of Dom I have served in the past (other than Graeme and we all know how that relationship ended.)
I kind of like to know that my  Dom will fight for me not in a literal way but in other ways. I need to know i am important.
When i question those things I, get all weird  and do things  like get clingy,  and have " bad behavior". I need to see this coming and try to road block it. Sadly for me right now that is going to mean not being completely transparent with my emotions  with Sir. I know that a lack of transparency is not a good thing but it might be for the best right now.
MAYBE I am trying to top from the bottom....not a good thing.
Maybe part of me wanted to see if he would correct me. I am not sure of the why I had that reaction but I know that I need to not have it again.

So what is worrying me that I am  not expressing/ putting to rest and not worrying  about ?
Because something is or the behaviour would not have happened,  this much I do know. SO....

Do I  feel threatened that he will replace me as soon as he gets his Dom wings under Him?
Do I feel like I am not important to Him?
Do I fear  He will never love me ?
,Am I having self worth  and value issues again? MEANING  am I looking to Him to validate  those things?
I am not sure currently  but I will think about these things and maybe write about them. ♡♡ kitten♡♡

Day 5 My Journey of Rediscovery

5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
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Yes I am currently in a D/s dynamic relationship with a polyamorous man who is married but his wife is not a submissive. This is not new to me but it is very new to Him.

I have been in 3 D/s or M/s relationships that have lasted a year or more each and a few shorter term ones that did not work for whatever reason. 
I will address the how they were different to start with.
My relationship with my primary was the same for ~5 years. I was first his submissive,grew into his mate  and then morphed into his slave. It was so much more than just a M/s relationship thought  I thought he was the other mail part of me.
The other 2 were much more M/s styled, the biggest difference in these 3 is that my primary was a very sexual relationship too.
My first other one (we will call it #2) was sexual in that I was played with like a  sexual toy ( which I am) . We did not play very ofte( well almost never )  I did not ever have intercourse with relationship #2.
Relationship # 3 was physical in that we played a fair amount  but again it was not really sexual. We had sex a couple of times  but it was much more of a mental  and S/m relationship.
So they have all been very different in a great number of ways  but they were also the same in a number of ways.
I was the object of their desire, they all wanted what was best for me as a woman and as a slave.  They all were there to support me when I needed it ( until they weren't )
Most of them really put my needs before their wants.
They all knew how to Handle my snark and were for the most part able to handle me as a whole.
3 of them got me to obey out of fear of punishmemt, as well as pleasing them. One  of them in the beginning got me to obey simply by me knowing it is what he wanted .Taking what i was willing to give him and as we grew so did his control and power.
All of my relationships have been very unique.
The relationship I am in right now is unique in that he is much more of a daddy but he does Not like to be called that. Again it is more about my being submissive and obedient because it is desired by Him.
He desires to take care of me  yet have me still have a lot of  self actuation.
He does not love me yet  I am not sure He ever will, only time will tell. 

Day 4

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

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I do not switch into a dominant role at any time outside of work. I may get " bossy " but that's not the same as dominant.
When i was in a domestic discipline dynamic I  maintained Control of anything having to do with my job, my house ( I did not live with my Master ) my children and my education ( I chose what to take and to go but I was then expected to maintain a GPA set by Him. ) when i was physically  with Master I maintained control of pretty much nothing. So i have done both. I really like knowing that when I need a break and my head needs to just be calm I am able to reach that space much easier. When i am able  give all control up  and just do what is expected/asked of me.
I am not a switch in the BDSM sense. I have thought about it, I am learning to enjoy  co- topping with dominant friends with people I know well. But I do not get the same enjoyment as I do from submitting. I am a very sensuous top ( if I can even be called a top) that in a nutshell is why a am not a switch. Although is do think I could be more of a switch if it was in the situation with my Dom and we were topping another person, it would have to be ok on a regular basis to be really "switchy" and I would have to grow into it before it would be more of a switch thing and not an obedience thing.