May 30 2015

the last week was pretty good. I got some time with Sir on Monday, during which we were able to reconnect  both on an emotional level and a sexual one.
We talked about what got me in trouble last weekend  and I have not been freaked out about it since.
I find it intresting that I am able to let those things go when I am dealing with Sir. It is a nice feeling, not one I am used to actually.

The week flew by and I saw  Sir on Thursday evening when he dropped Tom off. We had dinner  and snuggled on the couch. I would have lived to have sex but he was tired and I completely understand that after working all day and then driving for 3 hours to get home.
I was good when he said he had to go and I kissed him goodbye after he tucked me into bed. I as always would have loved more  time with Him but this is what we have right now and I am going to deal with it.
I was sad and still confused  by the news that the room he rented does not allow overnight visitors. ...I must admit that th ere is a part of me that was like " if he does not want me to come spend a week with him he should just say so." However once thay thought formed I realized that if I was willing to believe that then we had bigger problems than time constraints. SO I am actively  choosing to believe that Sir has no reason to not be honest with me. I am learning to trust agaian, not always easy I have been hurt pretty deeply by people I trusted who did not tell me the truth about things. THEY are not the one I call Sir now though. He trusts me, he has never lied to me why would he start now?
Hushing all those questions takes a great amount of trust but I am doing it and that makes me feel good.
Last night I got my foot caught in my bedspread when I was getting up and I fell, spraining my ankle and maybe doing some tendon damage  in my foot.  Sir  sort of kept up with what was going on  and did check on me a Few times.
Today was weird though I did not even get a good morning text which seemed strange. I have heard from Him a little since then, he is busy doing a birthday thing with his daughter, and I understand I just could use some extra snuggle time since I am restless and out of sorts. I will get a little bit tomorrow or at least I hope I will.
I am feeling very restless already and I am not supposed to be doing much this week.

It was bound to Happen

My first true correction, or show of displeasure from Sir since we started seeing each other about 2 months ago.
He told me i was to clingy and that He did not like it when I said "no" to him leaving.
Even when i say "no" I am fully aware that he is leaving, I never expect my protests to change anything.
so why do I make them? Why voice what he most likely already knows ?
So am I  sure he understands that I do not want to let him go just yet? Do I do it
To see if he will just give me that look and say my name ?

It JUST  occurred to me that he might not want to leave me yet either but knows he has to ...maybe I don't know.

I am not sure  but I do know that he will not hear how i feel about his leaving for a while.  I will be a good sub and just let go when he tells me he needs to go. I need to remember that he is not mine,  not even when he is with me. He does not love me so he really has little to lose in our break up,  if it were to happen and he said tonight that my actions on Friday make Him want to pull away from me.
So maybe  i need to close some of me away for a while. I -as normal -gave more of me than I should.
I am doing my best to accept his words that should calm  me  and just not freak out and not question the solidity of our relationship.
I however do not believe He is nearly as emotionally invested as I am. PART of the difference between a Dom and a Sub. SUBS GET MUCH MORE EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED MUCH FASTER THE MOST DOMS.
I am not sure how solid of a foundation I am currently standing on, this is a very distressing to me. I am one who needs to know I am solid, yet he told me i was okay  and he would see me on Monday. That should  and is helping me to only slip a little in the wave and not just go under.

All I can think about is how our D/s relationship affects so much of what we each do.
From interacting  with each other, to me asking for tasks,  to how we Interact  with others.
Sir is not the type of Dom I have served in the past (other than Graeme and we all know how that relationship ended.)
I kind of like to know that my  Dom will fight for me not in a literal way but in other ways. I need to know i am important.
When i question those things I, get all weird  and do things  like get clingy,  and have " bad behavior". I need to see this coming and try to road block it. Sadly for me right now that is going to mean not being completely transparent with my emotions  with Sir. I know that a lack of transparency is not a good thing but it might be for the best right now.
MAYBE I am trying to top from the bottom....not a good thing.
Maybe part of me wanted to see if he would correct me. I am not sure of the why I had that reaction but I know that I need to not have it again.

So what is worrying me that I am  not expressing/ putting to rest and not worrying  about ?
Because something is or the behaviour would not have happened,  this much I do know. SO....

Do I  feel threatened that he will replace me as soon as he gets his Dom wings under Him?
Do I feel like I am not important to Him?
Do I fear  He will never love me ?
,Am I having self worth  and value issues again? MEANING  am I looking to Him to validate  those things?
I am not sure currently  but I will think about these things and maybe write about them. ♡♡ kitten♡♡

Day 5 My Journey of Rediscovery

5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
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Yes I am currently in a D/s dynamic relationship with a polyamorous man who is married but his wife is not a submissive. This is not new to me but it is very new to Him.

I have been in 3 D/s or M/s relationships that have lasted a year or more each and a few shorter term ones that did not work for whatever reason. 
I will address the how they were different to start with.
My relationship with my primary was the same for ~5 years. I was first his submissive,grew into his mate  and then morphed into his slave. It was so much more than just a M/s relationship thought  I thought he was the other mail part of me.
The other 2 were much more M/s styled, the biggest difference in these 3 is that my primary was a very sexual relationship too.
My first other one (we will call it #2) was sexual in that I was played with like a  sexual toy ( which I am) . We did not play very ofte( well almost never )  I did not ever have intercourse with relationship #2.
Relationship # 3 was physical in that we played a fair amount  but again it was not really sexual. We had sex a couple of times  but it was much more of a mental  and S/m relationship.
So they have all been very different in a great number of ways  but they were also the same in a number of ways.
I was the object of their desire, they all wanted what was best for me as a woman and as a slave.  They all were there to support me when I needed it ( until they weren't )
Most of them really put my needs before their wants.
They all knew how to Handle my snark and were for the most part able to handle me as a whole.
3 of them got me to obey out of fear of punishmemt, as well as pleasing them. One  of them in the beginning got me to obey simply by me knowing it is what he wanted .Taking what i was willing to give him and as we grew so did his control and power.
All of my relationships have been very unique.
The relationship I am in right now is unique in that he is much more of a daddy but he does Not like to be called that. Again it is more about my being submissive and obedient because it is desired by Him.
He desires to take care of me  yet have me still have a lot of  self actuation.
He does not love me yet  I am not sure He ever will, only time will tell. 

Day 4

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

•~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~•
I do not switch into a dominant role at any time outside of work. I may get " bossy " but that's not the same as dominant.
When i was in a domestic discipline dynamic I  maintained Control of anything having to do with my job, my house ( I did not live with my Master ) my children and my education ( I chose what to take and to go but I was then expected to maintain a GPA set by Him. ) when i was physically  with Master I maintained control of pretty much nothing. So i have done both. I really like knowing that when I need a break and my head needs to just be calm I am able to reach that space much easier. When i am able  give all control up  and just do what is expected/asked of me.
I am not a switch in the BDSM sense. I have thought about it, I am learning to enjoy  co- topping with dominant friends with people I know well. But I do not get the same enjoyment as I do from submitting. I am a very sensuous top ( if I can even be called a top) that in a nutshell is why a am not a switch. Although is do think I could be more of a switch if it was in the situation with my Dom and we were topping another person, it would have to be ok on a regular basis to be really "switchy" and I would have to grow into it before it would be more of a switch thing and not an obedience thing.

Ponders of a lonely kitten.

My Sir has gone  to work on another city for the summer months. He will be home most weekends but that time will mostly be devoted to His family.
I am struggling with this a bit because I had gotten very used to seeing him for a about 6- 12 hours a week(2 evenings a week) well since he is gone I am not getting that time and I really missed it last night.
The grown up part of me understands, the strong submissive in me knows her place and that His family comes first and that the kids need him especially the boys  when he is home.  His wife needs him too.
But the other parts of me just want some of his time. I am doing my very best to not get all weirded out and think he won't want me or has found someone new. That is the part of me that I have to keep a handle on so it does not become a a raging storm.
I honestly do not think I need to worry about that. I would feel better if He would /could tell me he loves me, but I also understand that this is his first real D/s relationship so the emotions are new. A love of a Dominant for His submissive  is different then the love of a boyfriend for his girl. Sir says I am slowly building a hut in his heart to live in, so I will trust that he Is not looking for another  and won't leave me with out some sort of cause .  This is a good exercise in my trust building  not only for me to trust him but for me to trust me and for him to trust me. Maybe the separation will have good impact on our relationship.
Hoping to see him this weekend.
Traveling on a new road.
Kit

DAY 3 of my rediscovery journey

"How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?"

I know I am at the least a submissive and more likely a slave, for many reasons.
I have been " submissive " in non lifestyle ways for my entire life. I just thought they were how one treated others.
I have always fed my partner before myself, asked what i should wear, cooked the foods he liked- to the exclusion of things I like.
It was not until after my divorce  and being a "submissive wife" ( in the terms of the church ) for 23 years that I learned there was a name for it and it had a place. However even an a child my goal my job was to make life as easy for others as I could. I a greater number of ways it  was a relief when i did finally figure out it had a name and a place for now I only  really have to worry about making those i serve lives easier.
I know that I am a submissive because I have tried not to be but that only makes me very unhappy and crazy on a bad way.
The expression of my submission is the joy in my soul-
I feel complete.
I feel wanted.
I feel needed.
I find happiness,joy and peace.
I am able to stop the outside world and focus my attention on just the one I am serving. I find this to be extremely centering and calming for me.

The flip side of all of those things is when I feel or fear that I have failed almost anyone in my life that I really care about. The idea of letting anyone down can sometimes overwhelm me so not i do my best to stop and focus on the fact that I only have to make those i call Sir happy.

Day 2 My submissive journey

Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

That is the question to ponder today in this journey.
Who might I submit to?
A man strong enough to handle me. This man has to be confident in who he is, comfortable with himself and comfortable in his dominance of me, or willing to learn to be comfortable in His Dominance, if he is not or will not learn i will top from the bottom, which is never a good thing for me to be allowed to do.
Where/ how/ when am I submissive?
Everywhere/ completely  compelled to serve/ all the time.
I am a submissive ( most likely even a slave ) not because it is something  I want to "do"  but rather because it is who and what I AM. This is not some thing I switch off at the end of a scene.
With the one I call my Sir I am always, always in a submissive mind when i think of him. How I dress, act, react all have the capability to reflect well or poorly on Him and I want that to be a positive thing.
I do have people in my life that I am submissive with and to during  the time we are at th e dungeon.
I am submissive during a scene to a point ( I guess it depends on who I am playing with.)
To recap...
I am always a sub, not a toy that can be turned off and on.
I am submissive all the time.
I can submit to more than I person at a time.
I find my happiness is helping others fulfill theirs.
Kitten

DAY 1 My Submissive Journey.

Day 1 of 30 -Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label?

YES my submission  has a label- submissive/slave/ pet/ baby girl.
That being said, I am a rediscovering  who I am and how my submission works and how my brain ticks in this area.
I am learning  how to serve, The way that the man I am serving now wants me to serve Him. NOT HOW I THINK I SHOULD SERVE.
He is a new Dominant  and is still finding His feet in the   D/s world. I see growth in Him and it makes me happy. He is taking me back to my submissive roots, to look again and the how and why I serve. What do I get from it?
Where does it take me ?
So again does it have a name ? I thought so but, then again maybe I need to let all those names go, to truly start over, wipe the slate clean. It might be time, I do not know right now.
Let's take a journey and see where we end up.

Kitten

Sunday May 17

So last night Sir told me that our D/s relationship might be stopping Him from loving me in a romantic way.
I am just not sure how that makes me feel. If he can't love me romantically where does that leave me?
What does this look like?
I do not think I have ever not been loved by my Dom..Does Him not loving me romantically  change how we interact?
What does love as a Dominant only look like?
My love for Him is based as a submissive and is strongest as a submissive yet is still a bit romantic as well.
Is there a difference between romantic love and D/s love?
There might very well be.
Something to really think about it?
Something to blog about maybe this journey is very different then any other I have been on.
I am simply a submissive to Sir. I am learning to serve only how He wishes me to. I am trying to find a balance between the masochist part of me and the part that is His. He said the other night that he is not like You are "mine" yet I need to have that possession. I need to be "His" so many things in my head bouncing around, things to sort and figure out. So many things to learn about myself.

SATURDAY may 16

I love Him
I can not help it. Love and devotion come with my submission.
Yet he does not love me, it sounds like he is not sure he ever will ever love  me in  a romantic way. This saddens me greatly as a woman but as His sub I need to accept it and move forward knowing  that my love may always be deeper than His.  Or may never even be returned from HIM. .
I have all the old ghosts of insecurity rising up to challenge me tonight.
Why am I not good enough to love? What can I do to improve ?
Am I such a horrific Submissive that no Dom will ever love me?
And want to keep me safe and as theirs ?
He said he does not like Daddy officially yesterday, yet he feels so much like a Daddy to me... I am feeling a bit lost in who i am and where i fit in his world. I am not sure He knows to be honest.
The bind between a submissive and her Dom is so deep if they allow it to be.
I am stressed  over Him leaving for work, I know that i come pretty much last on his list of priorities and I have accepted  this truth and reality it still sucks when i do not get time with Him.
I have no idea how much time I will actually have with Him. I do not even know if I will get to go spend any time with him during the week once I am out of school for the summer.

Where the kittens mind is now

There has been so much change in the world of this kitten in the last 7 months of her life.
The kitten writing in this blog is not the same one who started it so long ago.
That girl was the owned property and slave of a man she loved dearly, more than herself, her Master ,her Lord and King. For reasons she still is not sure of he chose to release that girl on October of 2014 after almost 5 years together and 3.5 of that preparing to move her to him in another counrty. This was very devestating  to her but she has picked her self up and is moving forward with her life.
As a number of suddenly "free" things will go when they do not want to be freed she went on a bit of a frenzy and searched for a " replacement " not sure she could survive on her own, not sure she could go on with out the control he had provided her with. In this time she was willing to settle for anyone that looked like they even might bring that control back into her world.
She went back to an old Master who she still cares about, was willing to settle for the things he did that she had said she would not (smoking, not taking care of himself health wise, open communication). She was willing to settle but he had a happening in his life that he was not willing to share with her and he was not willing to put the time into taking care of her so he offered her her release, which she took.
Once she was released, her friends here locally decided that she would not sell herself short again. No more long distance, know that she means as much to the ones she serves as he does to her.  For the kitten to not give her heart to easily or completely.
SO THAT IS THE BACK STORY....
Now we will move forward with the happenings in this kitten's world.
Happy Reading, please comment and share your thoughts with her.