Ponders of a lonely kitten.

My Sir has gone  to work on another city for the summer months. He will be home most weekends but that time will mostly be devoted to His family.
I am struggling with this a bit because I had gotten very used to seeing him for a about 6- 12 hours a week(2 evenings a week) well since he is gone I am not getting that time and I really missed it last night.
The grown up part of me understands, the strong submissive in me knows her place and that His family comes first and that the kids need him especially the boys  when he is home.  His wife needs him too.
But the other parts of me just want some of his time. I am doing my very best to not get all weirded out and think he won't want me or has found someone new. That is the part of me that I have to keep a handle on so it does not become a a raging storm.
I honestly do not think I need to worry about that. I would feel better if He would /could tell me he loves me, but I also understand that this is his first real D/s relationship so the emotions are new. A love of a Dominant for His submissive  is different then the love of a boyfriend for his girl. Sir says I am slowly building a hut in his heart to live in, so I will trust that he Is not looking for another  and won't leave me with out some sort of cause .  This is a good exercise in my trust building  not only for me to trust him but for me to trust me and for him to trust me. Maybe the separation will have good impact on our relationship.
Hoping to see him this weekend.
Traveling on a new road.
Kit

DAY 3 of my rediscovery journey

"How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?"

I know I am at the least a submissive and more likely a slave, for many reasons.
I have been " submissive " in non lifestyle ways for my entire life. I just thought they were how one treated others.
I have always fed my partner before myself, asked what i should wear, cooked the foods he liked- to the exclusion of things I like.
It was not until after my divorce  and being a "submissive wife" ( in the terms of the church ) for 23 years that I learned there was a name for it and it had a place. However even an a child my goal my job was to make life as easy for others as I could. I a greater number of ways it  was a relief when i did finally figure out it had a name and a place for now I only  really have to worry about making those i serve lives easier.
I know that I am a submissive because I have tried not to be but that only makes me very unhappy and crazy on a bad way.
The expression of my submission is the joy in my soul-
I feel complete.
I feel wanted.
I feel needed.
I find happiness,joy and peace.
I am able to stop the outside world and focus my attention on just the one I am serving. I find this to be extremely centering and calming for me.

The flip side of all of those things is when I feel or fear that I have failed almost anyone in my life that I really care about. The idea of letting anyone down can sometimes overwhelm me so not i do my best to stop and focus on the fact that I only have to make those i call Sir happy.

Day 2 My submissive journey

Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

That is the question to ponder today in this journey.
Who might I submit to?
A man strong enough to handle me. This man has to be confident in who he is, comfortable with himself and comfortable in his dominance of me, or willing to learn to be comfortable in His Dominance, if he is not or will not learn i will top from the bottom, which is never a good thing for me to be allowed to do.
Where/ how/ when am I submissive?
Everywhere/ completely  compelled to serve/ all the time.
I am a submissive ( most likely even a slave ) not because it is something  I want to "do"  but rather because it is who and what I AM. This is not some thing I switch off at the end of a scene.
With the one I call my Sir I am always, always in a submissive mind when i think of him. How I dress, act, react all have the capability to reflect well or poorly on Him and I want that to be a positive thing.
I do have people in my life that I am submissive with and to during  the time we are at th e dungeon.
I am submissive during a scene to a point ( I guess it depends on who I am playing with.)
To recap...
I am always a sub, not a toy that can be turned off and on.
I am submissive all the time.
I can submit to more than I person at a time.
I find my happiness is helping others fulfill theirs.
Kitten

DAY 1 My Submissive Journey.

Day 1 of 30 -Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label?

YES my submission  has a label- submissive/slave/ pet/ baby girl.
That being said, I am a rediscovering  who I am and how my submission works and how my brain ticks in this area.
I am learning  how to serve, The way that the man I am serving now wants me to serve Him. NOT HOW I THINK I SHOULD SERVE.
He is a new Dominant  and is still finding His feet in the   D/s world. I see growth in Him and it makes me happy. He is taking me back to my submissive roots, to look again and the how and why I serve. What do I get from it?
Where does it take me ?
So again does it have a name ? I thought so but, then again maybe I need to let all those names go, to truly start over, wipe the slate clean. It might be time, I do not know right now.
Let's take a journey and see where we end up.

Kitten

Sunday May 17

So last night Sir told me that our D/s relationship might be stopping Him from loving me in a romantic way.
I am just not sure how that makes me feel. If he can't love me romantically where does that leave me?
What does this look like?
I do not think I have ever not been loved by my Dom..Does Him not loving me romantically  change how we interact?
What does love as a Dominant only look like?
My love for Him is based as a submissive and is strongest as a submissive yet is still a bit romantic as well.
Is there a difference between romantic love and D/s love?
There might very well be.
Something to really think about it?
Something to blog about maybe this journey is very different then any other I have been on.
I am simply a submissive to Sir. I am learning to serve only how He wishes me to. I am trying to find a balance between the masochist part of me and the part that is His. He said the other night that he is not like You are "mine" yet I need to have that possession. I need to be "His" so many things in my head bouncing around, things to sort and figure out. So many things to learn about myself.

SATURDAY may 16

I love Him
I can not help it. Love and devotion come with my submission.
Yet he does not love me, it sounds like he is not sure he ever will ever love  me in  a romantic way. This saddens me greatly as a woman but as His sub I need to accept it and move forward knowing  that my love may always be deeper than His.  Or may never even be returned from HIM. .
I have all the old ghosts of insecurity rising up to challenge me tonight.
Why am I not good enough to love? What can I do to improve ?
Am I such a horrific Submissive that no Dom will ever love me?
And want to keep me safe and as theirs ?
He said he does not like Daddy officially yesterday, yet he feels so much like a Daddy to me... I am feeling a bit lost in who i am and where i fit in his world. I am not sure He knows to be honest.
The bind between a submissive and her Dom is so deep if they allow it to be.
I am stressed  over Him leaving for work, I know that i come pretty much last on his list of priorities and I have accepted  this truth and reality it still sucks when i do not get time with Him.
I have no idea how much time I will actually have with Him. I do not even know if I will get to go spend any time with him during the week once I am out of school for the summer.

Where the kittens mind is now

There has been so much change in the world of this kitten in the last 7 months of her life.
The kitten writing in this blog is not the same one who started it so long ago.
That girl was the owned property and slave of a man she loved dearly, more than herself, her Master ,her Lord and King. For reasons she still is not sure of he chose to release that girl on October of 2014 after almost 5 years together and 3.5 of that preparing to move her to him in another counrty. This was very devestating  to her but she has picked her self up and is moving forward with her life.
As a number of suddenly "free" things will go when they do not want to be freed she went on a bit of a frenzy and searched for a " replacement " not sure she could survive on her own, not sure she could go on with out the control he had provided her with. In this time she was willing to settle for anyone that looked like they even might bring that control back into her world.
She went back to an old Master who she still cares about, was willing to settle for the things he did that she had said she would not (smoking, not taking care of himself health wise, open communication). She was willing to settle but he had a happening in his life that he was not willing to share with her and he was not willing to put the time into taking care of her so he offered her her release, which she took.
Once she was released, her friends here locally decided that she would not sell herself short again. No more long distance, know that she means as much to the ones she serves as he does to her.  For the kitten to not give her heart to easily or completely.
SO THAT IS THE BACK STORY....
Now we will move forward with the happenings in this kitten's world.
Happy Reading, please comment and share your thoughts with her.